Decisions
by JamieSpencer4
Summary: I never wanted this. I wanted something else. Something more. How could I have let things get so out of hand? I knew what I wanted. I wanted him. I wanted to spend my life with him. How could I have let it all go down the drain? Please give it a read. I will update as much as I can. Reviews are welcomed.
1. Chapter 1

_I never wanted this. I wanted something else. Something more. How could I have let things get so out of hand? I knew what I wanted. I wanted him. I wanted to spend my life with him. How could I have let it all go down the drain? I loved him. He loved me. Now...well now I am here all alone. Why didn't I just listen to everyone? Why did I have to be so stupid? I can't fix it. I remember what he said. The words have been going through my head for a few weeks. "How could you do that? Why did you lie? I thought you loved me." He said, that terrible night. The words made me flinch, even now that still have to same affect on me. "I can't even look at you right now. I thought I knew you!" He screamed, as the tears rolled down my face. He was gone. Done with me and I am to blame for it all. Why? Why couldn't I do anything right? How do I move on, when I am still in love with him? I don't want anyone, but him. I just want him._


	2. Chapter 2

7 months earlier...

"Come on, Alexis! Please come with me!" My dad, begged like a child.

"I don't know. Wouldn't it be weird if I went?"

"Of course not. We need you or else we will have uneven teams."

"I was going to hangout with some friends tomorrow." I said, wondering if he was even listening.

"I thought you liked the guys at the precinct. The company picnic is always a blast."

"I do. like them. I just think it would be weird if I came."

"Come on, don't make me beg!"

"Aren't you already begging?" I asked.

"Technically, I suppose you are right, but please do this for me." He moved closer.

Oh no, not the puppy dog eyes.

"You might as well go ahead and say yes sweetheart. He isn't going to let up." Gram said, walking into the kitchen.

I shook my head. She was right.

"Listen to your grandmother, she is very wise." Dad said, with hope in his eyes.

"Okay. Fine. I will go." I gave in.

"Really?" Dad squealed and gave me a hug that almost knocked me over.

"Yes. I will go. I am only doing it for you, though." I said, hugging him back.

"Awesome! I'm going to go call Beckett and let her know." He grabbed his phone and left to call her. I shook my head.

The next morning...

I woke up not feeling my best. I was a little nervous about the day ahead. I had been around Beckett and the other detectives before, but I just felt like today was just a day for them, not for me. My dad always knew how to sucker me in.

I was applying lip gloss when I hear my dad call up for me.

"I'm coming!" I called down. I grabbed my purse and jacket and came downstairs.

"Ready?" Dad asked. Just by the way he asked, I knew today was going to be filled with competition. I sighed.

"Let's go." I smiled.

When we got to the park it didn't take long for Dad to spot Beckett. He ran over and gave her a kiss. I couldn't help, but smile at them. She made my dad happy, how could I not be happy for them.

"Hey Alexis! I'm so glad you came today!" Beckett said, wiping lipstick off dad's lips.

After chatting for awhile and waiting for everyone to show up, the games were about to begin. Dad and Beckett, were partnered up, obviously and Esposito and Lanie were paired up. They were so cute together, even if they wouldn't admit it. I was standing back, looking around at everyone. It was weird to see everyone in casual clothing.

"Hey, do you want to be my partner?" I heard someone ask. I turned around to see Detective Ryan. He was smiling. It threw me off. It didn't help that I had a crush on him for the past couple years.

"Hey!" I said, a little excited. I tried not to blush too much. He reached in a gave me awkward hug.

"So partners?" He asked, with a smile.

"Why aren't you partners with your wife?" I asked.

He got a blank expression on his face and quickly changed the subject.

"Your dad make you come today?" He asked.

Noticing the tension, I decided to let it go.

"Yes. He begged. I was defenseless."

He giggled. "So since it looks like everyone else has a partner, will you be mine?"

"Sure. It would be my pleasure." I smiled. He smiled back. Feeling butterflies in my stomach, I decided to take a break to get something to drink. I may have made a big deal about not coming today, but looking at my partner made me feel a little better about coming today. I would have to thank my dad for inviting me. I looked over and saw Ryan. He gave me a shy smile. Today was going to be interesting.


	3. Chapter 3

Author note: I am going to try and update this as often as I can. By the way, I love getting reviews!

Riding in the car on the way home, I kept thinking about Ryan. I know I shouldn't have. He is a married man. No matter how I much I tried to act innocent in front of Ryan today, I couldn't help, but get butterflies, when he would smile or laugh at something I said. During the three legged race, he put his arm around my waist, which was completely innocent, but the reaction it gave me wasn't. I did my best to hide any sign of attraction towards him, but it was very hard to do. We tied in points against Esposito and Lanie. Ryan and Esposito would probably have stayed there all night trying to out do the other, but Lanie and I were both exhausted. I sighed, putting my head back trying to clear my mind.

"Everything okay, sweetie?" Dad asked.

"Yeah, just a little tired."

"Yeah, you looked like you were having fun out there."

"I did." I smiled. "Thanks for talking me into coming."

"No problem. I knew you would like it." He said, picking up his phone. "Beckett says we need to come next year as well. Esposito wants a rematch in Badminton. He saying you and Ryan cheated somehow."

I laughed, remembering him getting very made, when Lanie would spike the birdie.

"He's very competitive." I said.

"That's the pot calling the kettle black." He laughed. "There were a few times today I saw you playing a little too hard. You are so much like me, its scary."

I wasn't doing it to be competitive, I was doing in to impress Ryan. A married man. I shook my head. What was I thinking?

We got home and made Ice cream sundae's as a reward, for our hard work.

"Care if I stay at Beckett's tonight or will you miss me too much?" Dad asked, in the middle of the movie we were watching.

"I think I can survive. I will probably just read for bit and then call it a night."

"Alright, have a good night, sweetie. I'll see tomorrow." He said, giving me a kiss to the forehead.

"Tell Beckett, to call me later this week, she mentioned something about having lunch soon."

"My two girls getting along." He said, with a grin.

"Of course. I have always like Beckett, you know that."

"I know. Just feels good to know is all. See you later. Lock the door behind me."

"You don't need to worry Dad. Nobody will break in." I shook my head. He was over protective. I both loved and hated it.

"They won't break in, if the door is locked." He said, helping me off of the couch. I smiled.

Once he left, I locked the door, knowing he would check and make sure I did it. I went back to the couch and finished the movie. I needed all the distractions I could to keep my mind off a certain Detective. It was working. I did the dishes and was about to head off to my room, when there was a knock at the door. I was confused, because Dad was at Beckett's and Gram was going to be gone all night working on a play. I went and unlocked the door. I opened it to find the one and only Detective Ryan. I was both confused and excited.

"Good evening, Detective. Sorry, but my dad is at Beckett's tonight." I said, with a smile.

"Oh.." He ran his hand through his hair. "I actually came over to see you. Do you mind if I come in?" He asked.

"Sure. Come on in." I said, motioning him in. I took deep breath. He wanted to see me? Was I dreaming? Did I really care? If I was dreaming there was no way I wanted to wake up.

"What can I help you with?" I asked.

"I wanted to talk to you about something, is that okay? Is it too late? Should I have come over at another time?" He must have been nervous with all the stammering.

"Its fine. Don't worry. Lets go sit down." I lead him to the couch.

I was nervous. What did he need to talk about? I looked over and saw him looking around anxiously.

"So, what did you want to talk about?" I asked, getting the ball rolling.

He cleared his throat and sat up straight.

"I had a lot of fun today." He said, looking at me.

"I did, too." I smiled.

"Good. I know we don't get to talk too often, so it was nice to be able and spend time together."

I nodded, not trust myself to say something stupid.

"I have been going through something that not a lot people know and I was wondering if I could talk to you about it." He looked at me. His blue eyes were shining. Was it possible to have those bright of eyes?

"Sure. You can talk to me about anything."

"Earlier today, you mentioned, Jenny and I think I was a little mean to you."

"Don't worry. Its fine."

"Its just that Jenny and I are..." He stopped. He looked a little embarrassed.

"What?" I encouraged.

"We are going to through a divorce."

To my surprise, I reacted quite normal. "Oh, I am sorry. Are you okay?"

"I'm doing better than I was a few months ago. Javi's been helping me along with your Dad and Beckett. I don't know what I would do without them. I just felt like I was mean, earlier and I wanted to explain myself."

"That wasn't necessary." I smiled. "I wasn't hurt by it." I said, trying to make him feel better.

"Good." He nodded. He was looking at the blank TV screen.

Almost every time, I went to the precinct to see my dad, I always saw Ryan in a three piece suit. Now he was sitting next to me in jeans and t shirt. I laughed. I didn't mean for it to be loud, but it was.

"What?" He asked, with an amused face expression.

"Nothing." I said, laughing all over again.

"What? Come on. That's not fair." He laughed.

I held a finger up, until I could control my laughter.

"It's not really all that funny, but I am just used to seeing you in a suit. You are like the most well dressed Detective and now you are sitting here wearing jeans." I laughed a little.

He started laughing. "You don't like my casual look?"

"Just not used to it."

"That's because we don't see each other all that often." He said, turning to look at me.

"That's true. That's a good thing though." I said.

"It is?" He asked, sounding slightly hurt.

"Yes. I mean you are a cop after all." I smiled.

"Right." He smiled and looked down at his hands.

"Maybe we could try to see each other, without breaking the law, of course."

"Really?" I asked, surprised.

"Yes." He looked at me. "Unless you don't want to." He added.

"I do."

"Good. Maybe some time we could go see a movie or have lunch."

"Yeah, I would like that."

"Good." He said. "I should probably get going." He stood up and I got up and lead him towards the door. "Can I get your number, so I can call you?" He smiled.

"Sure." I entered my number in his phone and handed it back. "There you go." I was going to say goodnight, but stopped when I noticed him getting closer to me. I looked at his face right before his lips landed on my cheek. I froze, not knowing what to do.

"Goodnight." He whispered, when he pulled away.

"Goodnight." I echoed.

When he left and I locked the door, I pressed myself against the door. I couldn't believe I was thinking about him all day and then he showed up and kissed me on the cheek. I took a deep breath. Maybe I shouldn't get so worked up. Maybe he is only interested in being friends. I pushed myself off the door and decided to enlist some help from a friend. If I was going to sort this through I needed help.


	4. Chapter 4

_I was standing in my closet, frantically searching for something, anything to wear and I was failing. I suppose if I were going to lunch with anyone else, I would have been ready by now. I was in mid growl, when I heard a knock on my door. I stopped and turned towards the door. _

_"Who is it?" I called out._

_"Its me, Beckett." I heard. A big sigh of relief flooded me. I ran to the door and opened it._

_"Hey, thanks for being here! I can't find anything to wear!" I said, grabbing her hand and pulling her towards the closet. "I want to be dressed up, but casual at the same time. I just can't find anything. Everything looks too casual." I sounded whiny and I knew, but I didn't' want to show up and have him thinking I was trying too hard. I sighed and looked at Beckett._

_"I'm thinking about this too much. Aren't I?" I asked, feeling embarrassed._

_She smiled. "A little. I will help you out." She said, walking in the closet._

_"Thank you." I said, sitting on my bed. I tried to calm my nerves._

_"Did you tell my dad?" I asked._

_"Are you kidding me? I am not going to be the one to break the news." She turned around and smiled._

_"He's going to flip out isn't he?"_

_"I don't know he was okay when you guys went to lunch a few weeks ago."_

_"Yeah, but that wasn't a date. This is." I put my head down and fiddled with the ring on my middle finger._

_"How about this." She turned around. "You go and talk to your dad and I will find you something to wear." She gave me an encouraging smile. "Come on Alexis. Things could be worse. He likes Ryan."_

_"He likes him now, but once he knows he is taking me on a date, how do you think he will feel?" I said, standing up._

_"There's no telling. I have my gun, so it won't get too out of hand." She said, dryly._

_"Good. To alert for screams." I sighed and walked out of the room. This wasn't going to be fun. Ryan and I had lunch a few weeks ago, but that was just as friends. Nothing happened. Then he called me a few days ago and asked me out. I was so excited, that I nearly screamed, yes. I didn't think about how others would feel about this. I think I tried my best to ignore it. _

_I came downstairs to find Dad making dinner. I slowly walked towards him. I sat at the counter and smiled at him._

_"Hey sweetie, you hungry?" He asked, wiping down the counter top._

_"No. Actually I am going out in about an hour."_

_"Oh, are you going out with friends?" He asked._

_"No. I'm going out on a date." I said, stammering._

_He sat down the rag and looked at me. I looked away and then back at him._

_"A date?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Should I be meeting this young man?"_

_"No. I mean, you have already met him." I said, feeling more and more sick to my stomach._

_"Really? Is it Pi?" He asked, a little scared._

_I shook my head._

_"Ashley?"_

_"Nope."_

_"Come on, tell me." He said, turning serious._

_I looked away from him and mumbled the name._

_"What? I couldn't hear you."_

_I sighed. Just rip off the band aid. _

_"Ryan."_

_"Ryan? Who is Ryan?" He asked, confused._

_"Kevin Ryan." I said, still not looking at him. I closed my eyes waiting for the explosion. I didn't hear anything. Afraid, that he had fainted I opened my eyes, to find him staring at me with an amused face._

_"What?" I asked, scared._

_"You are going on a date with Ryan? Detective Ryan?" He asked._

_"Yes." I looked at him. He had the same amused look on his face._

_"Where are you guys going?" He asked, stirring some sauce._

_"What? You..you aren't upset?" I asked, amazed._

_"Surprised, yes. Upset, no. Look you are a smart young woman, capable of making good decisions, I mean you do have my genes." He joked. I stared at him with disbelief. "You are 22, I can't be too upset. Ryan is a smart and respecting guy. You could and have dated worse. I have no problem with this." He said, sitting the spoon down and looking at me._

_"You're sure?" I asked._

_"Yes."_

_"Wow. I wasn't expecting you to be so...understanding about this."_

_"Alexis, I trust you and I trust him." _

_I couldn't believe it. He wasn't lecturing me or freaking out. I let out a sigh of relief._

_"Thanks Dad." I smiled._

_"No problem. You do know he is going through a divorce, right?"_

_"Yes." I nodded. "Its just a date."_

_"Okay. Well, I hope you guys have fun tonight."_

_"Thanks." I said, standing up. _

_"You nervous?"_

_"Like you wouldn't believe, but I am feeling better."_

_I walked back upstairs and told Beckett how Dad took the news, she didn't seem as surprised as I was. She picked out a shirt and sweater combo. I put my hair up, with help from Beckett._

_"Thank you, for this." I told her._

_"Not a problem." She smiled._

_"I never got this kind of help from my mom, so it was kind of nice, having someone besides my Dad, helping me out. Don't get me wrong, Gram helps, but she can be overbearing." I laughed._

_"You can always come to me, Alexis." She smiled._

_An hour later I was pacing in the living room, while Dad and Beckett ate. When there was a knock at the door, my heart raced. Dad got up and came over. _

_"This is going to be fun!" He muttered, walking towards the door._

_"Dad, what are you going to do?" I asked, worried. _

_"Make him sweat and squirm." He said, with a laugh._

_I turned and looked at Beckett, who gave me a sad smile._

_"Dad. Don't do that." I begged._

_"Sweetie, I have to get the door, its rude to make him wait out there. Let's have some fun." He made it to the door and changed his face from a smile, to a less happy face, that gave me chills. I sighed. This was going to be a long night_


	5. Chapter 5

Authors Note: Hey everyone! Hoping to make this chapter longer than the others. I know some may be surprised by Castle's reaction to Alexis and Ryan, but I feel like its a little too cliché for him to be upset/worried. I want Alexis and Ryan to have obstacles, which they will, but I didn't want Castle to be one of them. Hope that makes sense. Anyways, I hope you continue to enjoy it and keep leaving me reviews!

"Good evening Detective Ryan!" My dad greeted Ryan. I sighed and then took a deep breath.

"Hey, Castle." Ryan said, coming in.

He came in and looked over at me with a smile. I gave an apologetic smile back. Ryan told me, when he asked me out that he was a little worried about how my dad would react.

"So how are you?" Dad asked him.

"I'm..okay." Ryan stammered and I noticed a small smile appear on my dad's face.

"Good..good. So what are you here for?" He asked, pretending not to know what was happening.

"What?" Ryan looked at him. I couldn't say anything. I was so embarrassed

"What can I help you with?" He asked again. "What are you doing here, tonight?" He pressed.

I shot Beckett a look and she came over and tried to reel him in.

"Castle." She said, getting his attention.

"What? I am just asking him a question."

"No, you're not. Come on. Take it easy."

I smiled at her and came over.

"Its okay, he knows." I told Ryan. He gave me a weird look and then gave a smirk to my dad.

"Really, Castle? Was that necessary?" He asked.

"To see that look on your face, you are damn right it was!" He started laughing.

"So? You are okay, with me taking Alexis out?" He asked, a bit skeptical.

"Yes. Alexis and I have already spoke about it. I trust you Ryan."

Ryan let out a sigh. "Thanks Castle." He smiled, then looked over to me.

I was ready to make a break.

"Well we should get going, right?"

"Yeah. Movie starts soon." He replied.

We got out before my dad could embarrass me again.

"Sorry about that." I apologized once we got into his car.

"No problem, I am just happy he's being so great about this. I was very worried." He said, putting his seatbelt on.

"I know what you mean. He was being so understanding, that I thought I was dreaming." I laughed.

He laughed. He sat there for a few moments looking at me. I was starting to feel self conscious. I was going to say something, but he spoke up.

"I want to say something, but I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable." He said, still looking at me.

I tilted my head at him. "How could you make me feel uncomfortable?"

He let out a laugh. "I could tell you that you look amazing." He smiled and arched his eyebrows. I smiled and looked away for a second. "Uncomfortable?" He asked, making me look back at him.

"No." I smiled. "Thank you. You don't look so bad yourself." I said.

"Great, now I feel uncomfortable." He said, making me laugh and lightly smack him on the arm. He laughed.

On the ride to the movie, we talked and laughed. Found out some things about his childhood. He wasn't very open about his family. I didn't want to push him to talk about it, so I didn't. If he felt comfortable enough to share with me, he would.

The movie was good. It was a comedy. During a certain point in the middle of the movie, I noticed that Ryan had moved closer to me. I kept looking out of the corner of my eyes and I swear a few times, he was looking at me. After the movie we stayed in the theatre and waited for it to clear out. Once it was just the two of us in the theatre, he turned towards me and kissed me. Unsure, I didn't do anything. I didn't move. I was surprised. After a moment of doing nothing, I was finally able to get control over my body again. I kissed him back. He ran his hand down my side and pulled me closer to him. His hands ran up and down my leg. My hands ran through his hair. I had liked him for years and even imagined what it would be like to kiss him a few times. Now that it was really happening, it was nothing like I imagined. He was the best kisser. It wasn't sloppy. It was slow, slightly rough. I ran my hand from his hair down his chest. He pushed me away. I looked at him, confused.

"Um...we should probably go, before cleaning crew comes in." He whispered.

"Okay. Probably a good idea." I said, moving my leg off of his lap and sat up straight. While walking out of the theatre, I felt Ryan grab my hand. I could feel the warmth from his hand spread through me. I looked up to find him smiling at me.

On the ride back, it was silent. A comfortable silence. He still had ahold of my hand. Every so often he would rub his thumb over my knuckles. We pulled up and he turned off the car.

"So I had fun tonight." He said, turning to look at me.

"I had fun too."

"Maybe we can go out again. Have dinner? What do you think?"

"I like it." I smiled. "I should probably get in there. Dad might be going crazy." I laughed.

"Twenty bucks says he's been pacing since we left."

"Wouldn't shock me. Just call me when you are free for dinner, okay?"

"Of course. I will call as soon as I can."

I smiled.

"Have a goodnight." He said, before, leaning in and kissing me. I tried to control myself. It was soft and slow.

"Goodnight." I said, before getting of the car.

I took a few seconds before I entered the loft. I wondered if my dad would be waiting or if he wouldn't even want to how things went. I decided to just go for it. I twisted the door handle and peeked around. I didn't see him or Beckett. I walked in and put my jacket in the closet. I turned around to find my dad standing there. I jumped.

"Dad! You are scared me."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." He kept shifting from one foot to the other.

"You okay?" I asked.

"Yes. Are you?" He asked.

"Yes. I am a little worried about you. You are acting really weird."

"What? Me? No, I'm not acting weird."

"Okay." I said, slowly. I walked past him went for the kitchen.

"So, how did your date go?" He asked, running behind me. I smiled.

"So that's why you are acting strange." I turned around to face him.

"Yes. Yes. Now spill. I am shaking with curiosity." He sat down at the counter.

"We talked and saw a movie. Not very eventful, but fun nonetheless. I had a good time and I think he did, too." I said, grabbing a water bottle. "Enough details?" I asked.

"Yes. So do you think this was a one time thing or you may see each other again, cause I am fine with whatever you want to do." He smiled.

"We have actually already made plans for a second date."

"Great! I was worried, that maybe you guys wouldn't have a good time."

"Why would you think that?"

"I'm a father, its my job to over analyze things when it comes to you."

"Don't worry so much." I laughed. "I am going to take a shower and go to bed. Goodnight." I walked over and kissed his cheek before heading upstairs.

"Night, sweetie." He called after me.

I was climbing into bed, when my cell buzzed. It was a text from Ryan.

_Goodnight, gorgeous :)_

I smiled. He was really sweet. I texted him back and went to bed, thinking about him.


	6. Chapter 6

_"What are you doing?"_

_"Wouldn't you like to know." I teased. _

_"Yes, I would. Now tell me." _

_"Not yet."_

_"Come on!"_

_"Just stay there. I am almost done and then you will be able to see."_

_"Fine, but it better be worth the wait." _

_After a few moments of silence I was ready to show him._

_"I'm done. Now you can see." I walked over and handed him the sketch pad._

_"Are you serious? You drew this?" _

_I nodded and smiled. "What do you think?"_

_"I love it. Its amazing. I mean of course it is, you rarely do something that isn't amazing." He said, studying the picture._

_I smiled. _

_"I didn't know you could draw like this."_

_"I didn't either. I am taking an art class and I guess I am pretty good. I mean I am not as good as everyone in the class, but some of them." I smiled. _

_He put the sketch pad down and turned towards me. "Is there anything you aren't good at?" He asked, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling towards him._

_"I don't know. I haven't done everything yet."_

_"I'd venture to say there isn't a single thing you can't be perfect at."_

_"You sure are a charmer, Detective Ryan." I whispered, before leaning in and kissing him. I could never get tired of his lips. Hell, I could never get tired of him. I felt his hand reach up my skirt. Part of my brain, wanted to just keep my eyes shut and let him do what he wanted, but then reality snapped in and I moved his hand away._

_"Not fair." He whined. _

_"I know, but I have a class today. Project is due and I need to meet with my partner before class." I pouted._

_"Can you come back over tonight?" He asked, kissing my neck. I closed my eyes._

_"I think I can work that out."_

_"I can persuade, if you aren't sure." His hand traveled back up my skirt. I groaned in his ear._

_"I will be back." I promised, removing his hand._

_"You better." He said, before pressing his lips against mine. I tried so hard over the past two months, to control my reactions around him and I was failing. He did something to me, that nobody else ever did. I tried to pull back, but he put his hand on the back of my neck and kept me there. I laughed into the kiss. After a couple more seconds, I pulled back and he let me go._

_He frowned. "I'll be back before you know it and then we can work off some of this tension we have." I raised my eyebrows._

_"I think we can manage that. Have fun in class." He said, releasing me._

_"Like that's even possible." I threw on my jacket and grabbed the sketch pad. "I'll text you after class, okay?"_

_"Okay. I will just be here or over at Javi's." He said, walking me to the door. _

_"Alright. I'll see you later." He leaned in and kissed me._

_"Bye, Gorgeous." He said, after I walked out the door._

_"Bye." I smiled, fighting the urge to just stay there with him._

_After class, I was feeling exhausted. I hadn't gotten much sleep in the last few nights. _

_"Hey, partner, wanna grab some coffee?" Tyler, my art partner asked, from behind me._

_"Sorry. I would, but I have plans." I smiled._

_"Okay, well if those plans fall through, you can call me."_

_"Thanks. I will keep that in mind. See you later." I said, before walking out of the classroom._

_I decided to go home and take a shower. I didn't like having chalk all over me. I found Beckett in the kitchen when I returned home._

_"Hey Alexis, you look...great." Beckett said, with a worried expression._

_"Just chalk from art class." I held up my hands._

_"Fun." She said, sarcastically._

_"Where's dad?"_

_"In his den, writing."_

_"Ah, well, I am going to take a shower."_

_"Okay."_

_Once I was done washing all traces of chalk off of me, I came back downstairs. Beckett was washing dishes. I gave her a weird look._

_"We have a dishwasher." I laughed._

_"I don't trust them. Its safer to clean by hand."_

_"It also takes longer."_

_"Your dad is writing, so I have time to kill." She smiled._

_I sat down at the counter._

_"You okay?" She asked. She was getting better at sensing when things were bothering me._

_"Yeah, just thinking."_

_"Want to talk about it?" She offered._

_"I don't know. Its about Ryan, you might not want to hear it."_

_"Is it bad? Are you breaking up?" She panicked. For a split second, she sounded like my dad._

_"No. No. We are completely fine." I assured her._

_"Good." She sighed. "So what is it that I might not want to hear?" She asked._

_"Well, I don't know if I am overthinking things or what, but I am kind of getting jealous."_

_"Jealous?"_

_"Yeah. Should I be concerned with all the time he has been talking to Jenny?"_

_"Alexis, they are just trying to get some kind of closure. They ended quickly. There's a lot they didn't get to say, before the divorce was finalized." She said, sitting next to me. "Trust me, I see Ryan almost everyday. The past couple months, he has been different. Relaxed. Happy." She laughed. "You have nothing to worry about. Ryan cares about you a lot." She assured me._

_"Are you sure?"_

_"I am positive. Have you talked to him about this?"_

_"No. I didn't want be nosey or make him mad." I said, twisting my ring around my finger. It was a nervous tick._

_"I don't think he would react that way. He is understanding. Communicating does wonders." She smiled._

_"Yeah." I nodded. "I will think about it."_

_"Good. Feeling better?"_

_"I am actually. Thank you, Beckett."_

_"No problem." She smiled. "I should go check on your dad. No telling what he is actually doing in there."_

_"Be careful." I called after her, jokingly._

_"Castle, is it safe to come in?" I heard Beckett ask. I smiled and went up to my room. _

_I could hear my phone ringing from the hallway, I ran into my room to answer it. I didn't even bother looking to see who it was._

_"Hello?" _

_"Alexis?"_

_"Yeah." _

_"Its me, Tyler." I frowned._

_"Hey, what's up?" I asked._

_"I know you said you had plans after class today, but I wanted to know if you were free for dinner tonight?" _

_You've got to be kidding me._

_"Tyler, I should have told you this sooner, but I am seeing someone." I really hoped he would understand._

_"You are? Is it serious?"_

_"It is to me."_

_"Oh." There was a long pause._

_"Tyler, I am really sorry, if you thought I was interested in you. I like you, but just as a friend." There was another pause. I felt so bad._

_"I understand. I..." He cleared his throat. "I hope things aren't going to be weird for us, now."_

_"No not at all." I tried to reassure him. _

_"Sorry I bothered you. I should get going. See you Thursday, okay?"_

_"Okay. I will see you then." He hung up. I sighed. I should have known he liked me. He was always asking me to grab coffee with him and sometimes I would, but once I had the slightest hint, he might like me, I stopped. I sighed and decided to text Ryan._

**_Hey, just letting you know I am home ;)_**

_I wanted to see him. That was the bad thing about new relationships, they made you feel needy, because you just missed the other person. It was especially hard with Ryan. I had never dated someone like him. He was a cop. It was a dangerous job. I knew in the past he had a couple close calls. So dating him, made it hard for me to leave him. I didn't know if something would happen or if I would get a call from Beckett or my dad telling me that he had been shot. Just the thought of it, sent chills down my spine. My phone buzzed._

_**Hey, want to come over and have dinner with me?**_

**_Sure. Give me an hour, okay?_**

**_I'll give you anything you want._**

**_;)_**

_I took my phone off the charger and put it in my purse. I made my way downstairs to catch my dad and Beckett making out on the couch. I shook my head. I walked closer and did a fake cough. Dad nearly fell off the couch and Beckett got up so fast, you'd think I had shot off a gun. I smiled as they tried maintain their composure. _

"Hey..Hi... We weren't doing anything." Dad said, stammering.

"Yes you were and its fine." I smiled.

"So where are you going?"

"Ryan's to have dinner." I said, turning to get my jacket from the hall closet.

"Ah, I see. So when are we ever going to go on a double date?" He asked, walking towards me with Beckett in tow.

"Um..how about we never ever do that? Sound good?"

"Oh! Why not?" He whined.

"I just think it would bit very strange to go on a double date with my Dad."

"It would be awesome. Come on, lets do it! Right, Beckett?" He asked, turning towards her and then back to me.

"That would be up to Alexis and Ryan, Castle." He pouted. I hated his pouts.

"Tell you what Dad. I will mention it to Ryan and see what he thinks about it, okay?" I asked, hoping he would drop it.

"Okay, because it will be so fun!"

I rolled my eyes. "I'm going to be late, so I should go. You two better behave, while I am gone." I joked.

"I am not the one I am worried about behaving." He said, staring at me. I felt a very awkward conversation coming.

"You have nothing to worry about. Bye." I said, walking out the door fast.

Thirty minutes later, I showed up over at Ryan's. I knocked on the door and checked my phone. I got a text message from Tyler. I sighed. What did he want now. I was going to read it, when the door opened. I looked up from the phone to see not Ryan, but Jenny. I didn't know what to do or say. I just stood there. She looked at me, with confusion. This couldn't be anymore awkward.

"Hi, Alexis." She said, in a low voice.

"Hi, Jenny." I mimicked her voice.

"I have to go." She said, moving past me.

I felt terrible for some reason. I know I technically wasn't doing anything wrong, but that didn't stop me from feeling a twinge of guilt. That must have been even more awkward for her than it was for me.

"You okay?" I heard. Snapping back into reality, my eyes locked with Ryan's.

"Yeah." I nodded. "That was just a little strange." I said, motioning towards Jenny.

He nodded. "Yeah. I am sorry about that." He sighed. "Let's forget it, okay?"

I nodded.

"Come in."

After dinner we were sitting on his couch, watching a movie. I tired to focus, but all I kept thinking about was that sad look on Jenny's face. I felt guilty just being with Ryan. She must have known why I was here. I just couldn't get over the guilt. He must have known something was going on, because he turned off the TV. I noticed and look over to see him looking at me. Face filled with concern.

"What's wrong?" He asked, nudging me in the arm.

"I don't know." I stopped. That was a lie. "I do know. I feel really bad."

"Bad? Why on Earth would you feel that way?" He asked, grabbing hand.

"I think we need to talk, Kevin." I said, looking into his eyes. I needed to take Beckett's advice and talk to him about how I was feeling. I didn't like feeling this way and there was only one way to fix it. He gave me a worried face expression.

"Are you breaking up with me?" He asked, in low voice.


	7. Chapter 7

Author note: I promise the next chapter will be longer! I hope you all like it! Reviews?

I stared at him in disbelief.

"No. I am not breaking up with you." I laughed a little. Why would he ask such a question?

"Then what do we need to talk about?" He asked relaxing a bit. I felt bad even bringing it up. Was this any of my business? I turned and looked at him.

"I feel bad about earlier, you know, with Jenny." I felt so stupid.

"What's there to feel bad about?"

"I don't know. It was just this look she gave me. It made me feel bad, like I shouldn't be here." I couldn't look at him, so I looked down at the ground.

"Listen." He moved closer to me and put my hands in his. "Jenny and I are done. We just weren't happy with each other anymore." Hey sighed. "She came by to give me back the engagement ring and she got really emotional. She told me that she knew we both deserved better and she wanted to say goodbye in person." I still couldn't look at him. "I told her about us. She was a little surprised, but she took it well. Seeing you, probably just threw her for a loop." He lift my chin with his hand and made me look at him. "I know it must have been awkward for you, but I just want you to know that I want you here." He kissed my hand. "I want you. The part of my life with Jenny is over. I just want to look to future."

All that worrying and it was for nothing. I was stupid.

"I'm sorry. I..." His lips pressed against mine for a second.

"Don't apologize when you did nothing wrong."

"I just felt weird, even mentioning it."

"Well, you were worried and you told me about it. Nothing wrong with that." He said, with a smile.

"I guess so."

"I never want to you to feel afraid to tell me how you feel."

I let out a sigh of relief. I was thinking too much. I slapped him on the arm.

"What was that for?" He asked.

"You honestly thought I was going to break up with you?" I asked, shaking my head.

"What? You were sad and said you wanted to talk. We all know what that usually means."

"Not this time." I smiled.

"I couldn't be more happier about that." He moved closer and leaned in for a kiss. My cell went off and we both jumped. I laughed picking it up off the coffee table. It was Tyler. I rolled my eyes. I sat it back on the table and leaned back.

"What was that?"

"Nothing important." I grabbed his face and pulled it to mine. He pulled me closer to him, until I was straddling him.

"I think we should take care of that tension you mentioned earlier." He said, running his hands up and down my thighs. I kissed his neck.

"You might have to persuade me." I gave him a devilish grin.

"Oh, I think that can be arranged." He winked and moved his mouth to mine, practically taking my breath away. He moved his hands from my face down to my hips and pulled me closer to him. I didn't think it was possible to get anymore closer. I bit his bottom lip, trying gain some control. He moaned into the kiss and slid on his hands to my ass and squeezed, causing me to moan. It was clear I wouldn't be able to restrain myself from him. He broke the kiss and looked at me.

"Did I persuade you?" He asked.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him again.

"Guilty." I whispered.

"Lets go in the bedroom, okay?" He whispered back.

I nodded. He picked me up and I wrapped my legs around him.

"So when do I get to meet him?" Skye asked, sitting across the table form me.

"I don't know. I guess anytime really."

"I can't wait to meet the guy that has made you this happy." I smiled.

"You can really see a change?"

"Are you kidding? After Pi, you were like a zombie. Now, you are talking more, laughing, taking trips with awesome friends." She smiled. "Is he going to mind that you will be gone for a week?"

"Um, I don't know. I haven't told him anything about it." I said, taking a drink.

"Why not?"

"He's been busy here lately with work, so I have tried to stay away and give him some space. My dad says, they have been under a lot of stress."

"I see. Well are you going to tell him?" She asked, looking at her phone. She was constantly on her phone. It kind of bugged me, that she couldn't just put it down for a conversation.

"Yeah, I will. He has been so busy, he may not notice I am gone." I laughed.

"Well it will only be a week. Think you can go 5 days without him?"

"Yes. We aren't joined at the hip." I joked.

"Well is he busy now?"

"I don't know. I haven't talked to him today."

"Text him and see." She said, excitedly.

"Why?" I asked.

"Well if he is available I can meet him and you can tell him about the trip."

"I don't know."

"Come on. Just do it." She whined.

"Fine." I said, with a laugh.

I grabbed my phone and found his name.

**_Hey! Are you busy? _**I sent it.

I sat back and finished my coffee.

"How is Brad?"

"Brad is..." She stopped. "Well, we broke up." She shrugged.

"Why?"

"He was getting too serious and I am just not interested in serious, right now. Its fun just to date."

"I'm sorry. I knew you liked him."

"Yeah. He was great." She said, staring off into space. I had the feeling there was more going on than what she was saying.

I got a text.

**_Very busy. Sorry I haven't been able to see you in a couple days. We are just slammed right now. Is everything okay?_**

I frowned and looked at Skye.

"Not going to meet him today, huh?" She asked.

"Nope." I was bummed, but I understood that what he was busy with was important.

"Well maybe another time." She added.

**_Can I talk you about something I am going to be doing in a couple days? When are you free to talk?_**

"Hun, I had fun talking to you and everything, but I have to go. I will call you later. " She got up and put on her jacket. "Put a smile on that face." She ordered.

I did. "Talk to you later." I waved. My phone beeped.

**_Not sure when I will have a free moment. What's going on?_**

**_Okay. I am going to be leaving on Sunday night and wont be back until Saturday morning. I wanted to tell you sooner and in person, but you have been busy. I am not complaining by the way. _**

I got up and decided to go for a walk. Hadn't walked through the park in awhile. My life as of lately, consisted of school, volunteering, and Ryan. It had been awhile since I actually had time for myself.

**_Where are you going? _**Ryan texted.

**_Camping with friends. Its been awhile since we have all seen each other._**

While walking down the street, I happened to see Tyler standing on the corner about to cross the street. I tried to hide being a newsstand. I felt weird being around. School was fine, but things got weird when we were around each other. He would give me weird glances and compliments. I just wasn't to avoid him.

**_So you will be gone for a week? _**

I sighed. I want to be able to do my own thing and not be around Ryan all the time, but I was starting to feel a bit guilty.

**_Yes, but I will have my phone the whole time, so you can get ahold of me when you are free to do so._**

"Alexis?" I froze. I knew that voice. I sighed and turned around.

"Hey Tyler." I waved.

"I knew it was you. I'd know that red hair anywhere." He smiled.

Damn!

"I am actually on my way to have lunch with my dad, so I should get going. I walked by him, hoping to get away.

"Well, I will see you Sunday!" He called after me.

"What?" I said, turning around.

"Ben and Derek invited me." He said, with a smile. Great. Just great.

"Oh. Really?"

"Yeah, so I will see you then, right?" He asked, with much excitement.

"Yeah. I got to go." I kept walking, get angrier with each foot step. I couldn't blame Ben or Derek, though.

**_I hope you have a great time. I will miss you._**

I smiled. One text from him and I was smiling. He definitely had an affect on me.

**_Thank you! I will miss you, too. _**

Since my walked to through the park was ruined, I decided to just go home. I just got through the front door, when my phone rang.

"Hello?" I answered quickly.

"Hey gorgeous!" Ryan said.

"Oh my god, its you. I thought you were busy."

"Well I am calling it an early day. Javi said, he would cover for me. I just want to spend time with you, before you leave. That okay?" He asked.

"Like you really need to ask." I laughed. He laughed back. "Want me to come pick you up?" He asked.

"Yes. I would love that." I smiled.

"So do I get something special, for blowing off work?"

"Of course. Anything you want."

"Anything?"

I laughed. Anything your imagination can come up with."

"Oh, this is going to be fun!" He said, with a laugh. My eyes widened. What had I gotten myself into?


	8. Chapter 8

After spending the entire day and night with Ryan, I was feeling on cloud nine. He said, we could text, Skype, and call when I was gone. I knew, a week wasn't a big deal. I mean its not like were newlyweds. We would be fine. I could do it. The only thing I was worried about was one person and one person only. Tyler. I just wished he wasn't going. I told Ryan about Tyler and his fascination with me and that he would be going on the camping trip. I was afraid he would have gotten jealous, but he didn't. He told me he trusted me. Which made me like him all that much more. Maybe I could get Skye to keep him entertained. I girl could hope, right?

The night I left, Ryan sent me a text telling me that he might be busy, so if I called and he didn't answer to just send a text or leave a message. I figured this trip was coming at the right time. He was slammed at work, so I wouldn't be able to see him anyways.

Skye picked me up and drove the two hours to her family's cabin. It felt good to be able to relax and have fun. I filled Skye in on Tyler and she said, she would more than willing to divert him away from me. I was feeling better with that in mind.

I was sitting on the couch in the living room reading a book, when I heard Skye scream my name. I got up and ran to her room.

"Skye!" I said, knocked on her door.

"Hurry! Come in!" She yelled.

I opened the ran and ran in only to trip and fall. I immediately felt pain in my wrist. I sat up holding my wrist and looked around. Skye ran over to me. "Oh my god. Alexis, are you okay?" She helped me up.

"No! My wrist is killing me and I bit my lip. I touched my lip and when I pulled my hand back, I saw blood. I sighed. "What happened?" I asked.

"I was going to show you this amazing email, I got from my Dad, but when you came in your tripped on this suitcase." I looked at it. That wasn't her suitcase.

"Who's is it?"

"Tyler's." She answered, moving it out of the way with her foot.

Figures it would be his.

"Let's go, get that looked at." She said, motioning towards the door,

"It's just sprained, I think. Just need a bandage or brace."

"I think we have a first aid kit, wait here, I will go get it."

I nodded. I took this as a sign. Three days here, and I had a sprained wrist and a fat lip. It was time for me to head back home.

Luckily, Ben was coming back into town, so I got him to give me a ride.

Skye nearly, had a breakdown, when I said I was leaving. I told her, I didn't blame her, which I didn't. I wasn't having all that much fun anyways. Tyler seemed to ignore Skye and just focus his attention on me. I was really glad to get away from him. I didn't want to be mean to him, but he wasn't getting the hint.

"You look like you have been in a rumble." Ben said, after observing me.

"I know. Apparently, nature doesn't like me." I said, with a laugh.

"I thought you tripped, you can't blame that on nature."

"Okay, It was my fault. Honestly, I just want to go home. Tyler has been driving me nuts."

"I noticed that. I feel bad, I invited the guy."

"Its okay. Not your fault."

I looked in the visor mirror. My lip was very red and swollen.

"Oh god. I look like I have been mugged." I said, with a frown.

"Don't worry. You still look great." He said, looking out the corner of his eyes.

"Thanks." I laughed.

We spent the next 2 hours talking about everything. Most making fun of Tyler. Ben told me that Tyler like his sister and he stalked her. I couldn't believe it. Maybe he would set his sights on someone else.

I got home about an hour later and when I walked through the front door, I found the loft empty. I decided to take a shower and after that I was going to take a nap.

"Alexis?" I heard my dad say.

"Dad, I thought I was the only one here." I sat down my bags.

"I was just in the den writing, I thought I..." He stopped and looked worried.

"What?" I asked.

"Your face and wrist. Honey, what happened?" He asked running over to me. "Who did this?"

I laughed. I loved him. Always so protective. "I did it."

"What?" He asked, looking at my wrist.

"I tripped and sustained some injuries. I am fine. I promise. I just took as a sign, that I should be home."

"Well I am glad you are okay and that you are home. I missed you, kiddo." He gave me a hug.

"I missed you, too." I hugged him back.

After taking a shower I decided to skip the nap and surprise Ryan. I missed him and according to his last text he missed me and was all lone at his place. I could change that.

"Where you going?" Dad asked.

"To see Ryan."

"Okay. Having dinner here or there?"

"I don't know. I'll call you later. Bye, dad."

"Bye, sweetie."

I was so excited to see Ryan. After the past three days, I knew seeing him would be the best cure.

Once I was there, I knocked on the door. After a few seconds, the door opened and I saw Ryan. His eyes were huge after he saw me. I was good at surprises.

"Hi." I said, excitedly.

"Hi." He kept looking at me with a weird face expression.

"Are you okay?" I asked,

"Yes. Are you?" He looked at my wrist.

"Oh, its actually a funny story, can I come in?"

"Um..I..uh..." He kept stammering.

I was going to ask what was going on, when I heard a voice from behind him. A familiar voice. A female voice. Jenny's voice. Suddenly, I looked at Ryan and saw traces of lipstick on his lips. My mind was racing, but my body was frozen. I felt a lump growing in my throat.

"Alexis.." He began. I couldn't stay there and listen. I needed to go.

I turned and ran. I kept running until I reached my car and took off. I couldn't believe it. He was back with Jenny. He lied to me. I felt so embarrassed and stupid.

I pulled over at an abandoned gas station and let the tears come. I couldn't hold them in anymore. I thought we had something, but obviously I was wrong. I should have known it. Everything was going way too good for it to last. I used 10 minutes, calm down and touch up my make up. I texted my dad and found out he was at the precinct with Beckett. I decided to go home and be alone. On the way home, Ryan called me 4 times and sent 6 texts, I ignored them all. I didn't need his pity. I just needed to do the most logical thing. Forget about him. Ignore him. Move on. I got home and immediately went to my room, blared music and tried to drift asleep. I wanted this nightmare to end!

"Alexis! Alexis!" I heard, causing my to jerk fully awake.

I looked over to find my dad and Beckett in my room.

"Alexis, what's going on?" He asked, sitting at the end of my bed.

"Nothing." My voice was very raspy.

"I know better than that. You only listen to really loud music and nest like this when you are hurt. Like when you got rejected from Stanford." He moved closer. "What's going on, sweetie?" He rubbed my arm. I never felt so low. I felt the tears coming again. I threw my self into my dad. He wrapped his arms around me. "What's wrong?" He whispered.

I couldn't talk.

"I'm going to go downstairs." Beckett, quietly said.

After several minutes of my dad rubbing my hair and comforting me. I sat back. I wiped my eyes dry.

"What's going on? You can tell me anything."

"Ryan..." God, it hurt to say his name. "Ryan is back with Jenny."

"What?" He almost screamed.

"I went to surprise him. She was there and he lipstick on his lips." I fell back and just laid there.

"That makes no sense."

"It doesn't matter, cause its true." I sighed. "I was stupid and believed him. I should've known better. I don't know why it hurts. I should be used to everything falling apart." I closed my eyes and covered up with my blanket. "Dad, thanks for being here, but I just really want to be alone, please." I begged.

"I will be here with you need me. You definitely can count on me. I will never reject you." He said, in a soft voice, that brought new tears to my eyes. I heard him leave. I rolled over and started to cry all over again.

Ryan's POV...

"Ryan! Ryan!" I jerked my head, to see Espo waving at me.

"What?"

"What's going on? You've been staring at your computer screen, for like the hour and its not even on." He sat down, and smacked my leg with a folder. "What's going on, bro?"

"Nothing. Just thinking." I said, staring back at the blank screen. I couldn't tell Espo about all over this. He wouldn't let me explain. He would beat me for hurting Alexis. God, it hurt to even say her name. I couldn't get her face out of my brain. The look when she figured out what happened with Jenny. Why was I so naïve? I sat back and sighed. Why did everything I love, end up leaving me?

"Ryan!" I turned around, to see Beckett. "Break room, now!"

Shit! She knew. I shifted around to see if I could make an escape. Now such luck. I got up and followed her. Time to get this over with.

I leaned against the doorway. She sat at the table and stared me down.

"What's up?" Maybe she didn't know.

"You tell me." She folded her arms. Okay. She knew. I put my head down. Better let her think the worst, or tell her the truth.

"Beckett..."

"How could you Ryan? If you wanted to get back with Jenny, why wouldn't you just let Alexis..."

"What?" I yelled. "What are you talking about?"

"Don't play dumb."

"I am not getting back with Jenny and I are over!"

"Then why was her lipstick on your lips?"

"Fine. I will tell you everything." I sat down and sighed. "Jenny called me to see if she could come by to get a gravy boat." Beckett shot me a weird look. "It was a gift from her great aunt for our wedding. I clarified. " Well anyways, she showed up and I already had it ready for her to take. She told me she needed to use the restroom, when she came out, she started telling how much she loved me and wants to be with me. I asked her to leave, but she didn't and then she threw herself on me and kissed me." I said, not looking at her.

"Really? You didn't reciprocate at all."

"No!" I pulled off of me and told her to go. That's when Alexis came over. She freaked ran off. I didn't time to explain. She won't answer my phone calls or texts." I ran my hand through my hair. How could this be some complicated.

"She's really torn up right now. She doesn't eat or talk. She just stays in her room." Hearing her say that, well, it felt like my heart dropped.

"Oh my god."

"Yeah. She isn't doing good. You need to tell her everything. Come back to Castle's with me tonight and talk to her. Okay?" She asked. I guess I could try. If going there meant there was a chance I could make things right with Alexis, I had to do it.

I nodded.

"Good. I knew you weren't a jerk. By the way, Castle is pissed and he is here. I just wanted to get to you, before he did."

I started sweating. "He is really going to kill me." I sighed and looked to see if he was behind me.

"Don't worry, I will talk to him."

"Seriously?" I was shocked.

"Yeah. I don't want my boyfriend get in trouble for attacking a cop."

I nodded and gave a small smile.

I had to 4 hours until I could see, Alexis. It felt much longer. I needed to make this right. I could lose her. She was perfect. How could I ruin it? I slumped my head. Things could only get better, right?


	9. Chapter 9

Alexis' POV

The past three days had been pure hell. I couldn't do anything. All I could was sleep. I finally stopped crying.. It was like I was numb. I would put pressure on my wrist, just to feel something. It was pathetic, but true. I made a vow to never trust anyone ever again. My father being the only exception. He was the only one I could truly trust with my life. He never let me down.

I finally decided to just stop being so pathetic. I got up and took a much needed shower. I dressed in a sweats. I knew crying all day wouldn't change any facts. I went downstairs and made a cup of coffee. Caffeine is what I needed. My phone buzzed and I saw that Tyler was still sending me texts. I laid my phone down and finished my coffee.

"Sweetie, you are actually up and downstairs." My said, coming into the kitchen.

I nodded.

"How are you? Well I mean, are you doing better?"

"I don't know." The first words I had spoke in days.

"Things will get better, trust me. I have a feeling later today you will feel a lot better.

"I doubt it." I got a text. It was Tyler again.

"We'll see. Are you doing anything today?" He asked, grabbing his coat.

"No. You going to see Beckett?"

"Yes. I will see you tonight. Okay?"

"Yup."

"Eat something, please." He eyes were filled with worry.

I nodded. "I will."

I spent the morning watching TV. Not really watching. Just having it on. Tyler kept texting me. He would take the hint. At least someone wanted me. I read some of his texts.

**Sorry about you getting hurt. Please call me.**

**I wish you were here with us. I miss you.**

**We are back. Hope everything is okay.**

**If you need anything, I am here.**

At first, these texts seemed desperate and creepy. I stared at the last text he sent. I shook my head, trying to get something out of my head. I couldn't do that. It would be wrong. I would be using him. I didn't even like him that way. It wasn't a healthy response after being cheated on. Unfortunately, every time I thought of the man that did to me, my heart hurt. I picked up my phone.

**Hey Tyler.** I stared at the screen. Should I be doing this? A few seconds later I hit send. I was done with thinking, it wasn't making me feel any better.

**Hey! How are you?**

**Good. My wrist is practically healed.**

**Sorry about that. I am glad its better now.**

I took a deep breath. I was about to cross a line.

**Hey, would you like to hang out today? You could come over here and watch movies or whatever.**

**Are you sure?**

**Yes. Do you want to?**

**I would love to.**

**Good. When can you be here?**

**Maybe a half hour. Is that okay?**

**Sure.**

**See you then ;)**

There was no turning back now. I decided to get out of my sweats and wear something that would get the job done. I put on my favorite skirt and a tank top. I couldn't believe I was doing this. Then again, there was nothing technically wrong. I was single now. I felt a sharp pain, as soon as I thought it. Single. I shook my head and waited for Tyler. He was just the distraction, I needed.

3 hours later..

"I love this movie!" Tyler said, while we watching the ending of World War Z.

"You can never go wrong with zombies!" I agreed.

"Right." He sat back on the couch and ran his hand through his hair. I looked at the screen to see that it was now at the credits. I turned off the TV and looked over at him.

"So what do you want to do now?" He asked.

"We could a lot of things. We could go for a walk, play video games, get some lunch, watch another movie, sit here and talk..." I took a deep breath. "Or we could do something else all together." I sighed. I was really bad at this.

"Like what?"

I decided to not waste anytime and just go for it. I leaned over and kissed him. He froze, but only for a second, then he was kissing me back, with much force. I got closer to him and straddled his lap. He backed away for a second.

"What's going on?" He asked, out of breath.

"We were kissing. Do you not want to kiss me?" I asked, confused. I thought it was pretty obvious he liked me.

"Of course, I do. I want to do a lot of things with you, but I thought you were seeing someone." I flinched.

"Nope. Not anymore." I kissed him again, wanting the pain to go away. I pulled away. "Want to go upstairs to my room?" I asked, in a whisper.

"Only if you want to." I nodded.

I stood up and held out my hand. He took and I lead him upstairs to do the one thing I knew I shouldn't do, but I was tired of hurting and thinking. I didn't like Tyler, sexually at all. He wasn't unattractive, but he just wasn't my type. Once we were in my room I turned towards him and took of my tank top, throwing it on the floor. He came closer and kissed neck while I took off my skirt. There was no time for foreplay. I needed a much bigger distraction. I pulled back.

"Do you have a condom?"

"Yeah." He nodded.

"Okay." I walked him to bed and jumped on it. He climbed on top of me. I closed my eyes trying to think of anything, but that one person who hurt, me but I couldn't. Every time I tried to divert my thoughts, they went straight to his bright blue eyes.

About an hour later, I was putting my clothes back on. Feeling worse than I could have ever imagined. Every time Tyler kissed, licked, touched, I just saw imagined those bright blue eyes. At one time, I had to actually hold back tears. Thankfully, Tyler didn't notice. Once I was dressed, we headed downstairs. I didn't want him to be here any longer than necessary. We walked to the door.

"Well, if you ever need or want to do that again, you have my number."

"Yeah. I don't know about that."

"What? Why not?"

"I don't know." I lied. He moved closer and I decided to just close my eyes and let it happened. He kissed me. In my mind a pair of blue eyes looked right at me. I decided to just pretend Tyler's lips belonged to someone else and threw myself into the kiss. I imagined his hands were someone else's as his hand slipped up my skirt. I don't know exactly how long we were standing there like that, but I was quickly brought back to reality, when I heard a cough, that I knew was neither, Tyler's, nor mine. I opened my eyes and saw my dad. My eye widened, as I jolted back from Tyler.

"Hi, dad." I tired to act casual. Dad moved forward towards Tyler and I saw behind him, standing the doorway. Beckett and the guy who I was in love with and who hurt me, Kevin Ryan. His eyes weren't on me, but on Tyler. I saw him move forward, but Beckett put her hand on his arm. He turned and looked at her and she shook her head. His moved from her to Tyler and then to me. I couldn't read his expression. He wouldn't look away and I couldn't. I couldn't move.

"Alexis, what's going on?" Dad asked. I didn't say anything. Tyler answered the question himself, causing Ryan's eyes to move to his. I noticed a familiar look, kind of like look I saw on myself the day I found Ryan with Jenny.

"Alexis?" My dad called.

"Alexis, look at me." He shook me.

"What?"

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yes. I was just hanging out with Tyler."

"Looked like more than that." Ryan said, earning him a slap on the arm from Beckett.

"Alexis, I should get going. Call me later, okay?" Tyler threw me a look.

I nodded.

Before he left, he got stopped by Ryan. My eyes widened. Please, don't let them fight.

"Ryan, move out of the way." My dad called over. He gave Tyler a weird look, that gave me a chill. He finally moved out of the way and Tyler slipped out.

It was quiet for a while after that.

"What were you doing?"

"What? I asked confused.

"What were you and Tyler doing?"

"None of your business." I said, in disbelief.

"Castle, maybe we should give Ryan and Alexis, time to talk." Beckett said, walking over to him.

"Why?" I asked.

"He has something to say, don't you Ryan?"

I looked over to see Ryan looking at me. He looked hurt. I couldn't lie, I felt guilty. I shouldn't have though. I wasn't doing anything. He is the one who cheated.

Beckett pulled my dad out of the loft. He protested, but she pushed him out and closed the door behind them. I stood there, refusing to look in his direction. I heard him sigh a couple of times.

"What do you want to say?"

He moved closer to me and instinctively, moved away. He stopped and sighed.

"I am not back together with Jenny." He said.

"I'm not an idiot. I saw you."

"I know you aren't. You just don't understand."

"You cheated. I understand completely." I turned away and walked into the living room.

I sat down and sighed. I half wanted him to leave.

"She kissed me. She came over to get something and then she told me she missed me and loved me and then she kissed me. That's why you saw the lipstick on me. I pushed her away and told her to leave, but then you showed up and I just didn't have time to explain." He came closer and knelt in front of me. "I swear, nothing else happened. Nothing. I didn't want her to kiss me. When she did, I felt terrible and made her stop." His words felt like knives in my skin. He didn't sleep with her. He didn't cheat. I was the cheater. I spent so much time being sad over nothing. I was so stupid. Why didn't I stay and listen to him? Why did I sleep with Tyler? I felt the tears fall down my face. He carefully wiped them.

"Please forgive me.' He begged. Was he kidding? I shook my head, violently.

"I did something terrible!" I cried. I couldn't keep this from him. He was going to hate me, but he needed to know.

"You mean when we walked in? I'll admit it hurt seeing some other guy touching and kissing you, but given the circumstances, I get it. You were hurt and it may have been stupid, but not unforgivable." He grabbed my hand. His skin was so warm. My raced being so close to him.

"Don't cry." He said, wiping away more tears.

"Kevin. I.." He cut me off.

"Don't apologize. You did nothing wrong. It was just a kiss." He leaned in to kiss me and I pushed him away. I got up and walked away. It was getting hard to breathe.

"What's wrong?" He asked, walking towards me.

"I slept with Tyler." I confessed. I let out a deep breath, feeling a little better. "I didn't just kiss him. I slept with him!" I started crying all over again.


	10. Chapter 10

Four months later...

I was just getting out the shower when my phone rang. I ignored it. I finished getting dressed and doing my hair. I checked my phone to see who had called. It was my dad. I sighed. He was always calling to check on me. I appreciated it, but it was getting to be too much. I called him back.

"Hey. Its me. You called?" I asked.

"Yeah. Listen sweetie, things kind of hectic here right now. Is there anyway you could be bring me lunch?" He begged. I sighed. I hadn't been to the precinct in a long time and with good reason.

"Uh, I don't know." I felt uneasy.

"He isn't here. He is running down a lead with Espo, so its safe, they probably won't be back for a couple hours."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I wouldn't lie about that."

"Okay. I'll be there soon."

I didn't need to ask what he wanted, I knew him better than anyone in the world. I been out in awhile, so I was kind of dreading that. I dropped my classes in fear of seeing Tyler. Every time I thought of him, which was hardly ever, I would get a cold chill. I hadn't been spending time with my friends either. Dad desperately tried to get me to leave the house. Whether it was hanging out with friends, going to dinner with him and Beckett, trying to convince me to go on a date, I wasn't going to do it. These past months have taught me something. I had absolutely no idea who I was. So, I was trying to rediscover myself. Dad was not happy with all my new choices. He would say I was becoming someone else, which to me, sounded like a compliment. I used to make a lot of mistakes, but if I changed who I was I wouldn't ruin every thing ever again. Not really having anything to say, prevented me from actually talking. I went through the day nodding along, which dad wasn't happy about, but I think Beckett rather enjoyed it. She didn't really talk to me, unless my dad pressured her into it. She was holding grudge. I understood it. I hurt someone she cared about, so I tried to doge her anyway I could. I knew it was stressing my dad out and affecting their relationship, which only made me feel more worse.

At precinct I rode the elevator with dad's lunch in hand. When the doors opened I looked over and saw him at Beckett's desk. He looked over and spotted me. He got a huge smile. I didn't know if it was for me or the food. He came over and gave me a hug.

"Thank you, sweetie. You are my angel." I smiled. "Come, lets go see Beckett." He grabbed my hand and pulled, but I wouldn't move. "What wrong?" He asked.

"I don't think she wants to see me." I whispered.

"It doesn't matter. Nothing will get resolved if you ignore each other." He pulled me and I gave in. "Look who brought me lunch." He called to Beckett. She turned around and gave me a weak smile. "Hey, Alexis." She turned back to the papers on her desk. I gave dad a look.

"We will be in the break room, okay?"

"Okay." She said, not looking up.

Once we were in the break room, I loosened up a little. I sat across from dad, who was already digging into his lunch. I smiled. Bringing him lunch, made him happy. How could I not be happy about that?

"What are you going to do today?" He asked.

I hunched my shoulders.

He frowned. "So?"

"What?"

"Are you going to do it? Are you leaving?" He asked, sounding a bit scared.

"Don't know, yet. I might." I said, looking down at the table.

My mom called about a week ago, she told me she was spending a year in Ireland and wanted me to go with her. I was shocked she would actually consider inviting me. At first I didn't know if I should go, but I promised her I would think about it. Its safe to say, dad didn't take it all that well.

"You can't go. Who will I player laser tag with?" He put his burger down.

"You will have Gram and Beckett. We could text, or Skype everyday."

"I know, but it just won't be the same without you." He put his head down. There was no cheering him up, when he was already sad. I looked out the window and saw Esposito talking to Beckett. It nearly made me jump out of my skin.

"They are back," I pointed out the window." I should go. See you tonight, right?"

"Yeah. I will see then." He took a bite of his burger. I kissed him on the cheek before leaving. Before, I walked out of the door, I looked around, the coast was clear. I made a run for it. I ran into three detectives, before reaching the elevator. I ran into the elevator. Someone was already in there, but I didn't care. I went to hit the button, but it was already lit up. I looked over at the person standing nest to me. They probably thought I was crazy, by the way I ran in here. I looked up to see the one person I didn't want to see. Kevin Ryan. I moved back to the corner of the elevator. I didn't look, speak, or make any kind of noise. The ride down was so quiet. As soon as the doors opened, I shot out, making sure I didn't touch him. I ran and didn't look back. That was the first time, I had seen him, since that night. The night he told me he didn't know who I was anymore. The night he, told me he could stand to see me and that he never wanted to see me ever again. The night be broke my heart. Of course, I deserved it, but it he was so cold, that it made my skin crawl. I vowed to never see him again and to never talk about him. Until today, I had succeeded. When I got back to the loft, I made a decision. I was going to Ireland with my mom. The only reason I had, to stay here was my dad, but I knew he would be just fine without me. Beckett would take care of him. I spent an hour on the phone with my mom. She was thrilled I was going. She kept talking about everything we would do. I wasn't so excited to see her, as I was just to just get away. I loved my mom, but she never really knew how to be a mother. She was more like an older sister. After I got off the phone with her I turned on the TV for some kind of noise and contemplated how I was going to break the news to dad. He was going to be crushed, so I had to handle it carefully. There was a knock at the door. When I opened the door, I couldn't believe it. It was him. The man who I loved, but could never be with again.

"Hey." He said, nervously.

"Hey." I echoed.

There was a long pause. I didn't know what to say.

"Is it okay if I come in?" I gave him a weird look. Why was he here?

I nodded and let him in.

We stood by the door for awhile, in silence. I decided to break it. "Can I get you something to drink?" I whispered.

"No, thank you."

I nodded and looked everywhere, but at him. "So why are you here?" I asked.

"I wanted to see you."

"Why?"

"Can we talk?"

I didn't know what to do. Did he want to yell at me some more?

I nodded.

"Okay, good. I wanted to say something when I saw you earlier, but I was just surprised to see you of all people," He rubbed the back of his neck. "I wanted to apologize to you for everything I said, that night. Things really got out of hand. I was really harsh towards you." He moved towards me and I backed up.

"Don't apologize, its okay."

"No, it isn't. I was upset, but I had no right to behave that way."

"I don't understand. You had every right to say those things. You have every right to hate me." I was still looking at my feet.

"You think I hate you?" He asked,

I nodded.

"I don't hate you. I was upset with you, but I don't hate you."

I looked at him, with confusion.

"Why not?" I asked, in disbelief.

"You hurt me, but sometimes people do that. I mean I hurt you too."

"No." I shook my head. "That was different, you did nothing wrong. I did. I did a terrible and awful thing." I couldn't look at him anymore. It was starting to hurt.

"I know. These past months, I have had a lot of time to think and I am upset, but I do understand why you did, what you did."

"Seriously?" Was I dreaming?

"You thought I was back with Jenny and we were over, so you did something to make you feel better."

I stopped. "It didn't make feel better. I felt worse, even before I found out the truth about you and Jenny." I looked at him. "I did that, for all the wrong reasons. I didn't like him that way, he was just someone I could use as a way of trying to make the pain go away. It didn't work."

He looked at me. He didn't say anything for awhile.

"I'm sorry, I lead us here." He said.

"You didn't do anything. I did."

"Will you stop doing that?"

"What?"

"Taking all the blame. It took both of us to get to this point. Its not just your fault."

I didn't know what to say. I disagreed with him, but I also didn't want to argue, not anymore.

"Alexis, came here to apologize for my behavior that night and to tell you that I forgive you."

"You forgive me?" I had to be dreaming.

"Yes. I forgive you. I mean it would be different if you didn't feel bad for what you did, but that's not the case. You obviously fee bad. I mean, I don't want to sound mean, but you look terrible, like you haven't been eating and sleeping." He was right. I looked away. "Have you?"

I didn't say anything.

"Alexis, you can't do this to yourself. You need to come to terms with what you did and just accept it. I have and I forgive you. Forgive yourself."

What was he saying?

I shook my head. "I can't."

"Why not?" He came closer. I was against the door, so I couldn't move back anymore.

"I ruined everything. I hurt you and by extension, I hurt other people as well."

"You mean Beckett?" He asked. Wow. Even he knew how much she didn't like me.

I nodded.

"Forget her. This has nothing to do with her. True, you hurt me, but I am here telling you that I forgive you. I forgive you because I can understand it. I might have done the same thing if I were in your shoes." I shook my head. Who was he trying to fool? "I also forgive you, because...well..that's what you do when you love someone." He whispered and moved closer. I was definitely dreaming there was no way he could love me. Not now.

I didn't do anything. I didn't move. What seemed like a lifetime passed.

"Say something." He begged. What could I say?

He moved closer until he was right in front of me. I flinched.

"Are you afraid of me?" He asked.

I shook my head.

"I am not here yell or hurt you."

"I know."

He looked at me. "How can I make you feel better?" He whispered.

"I don't know. I will figure it out." I moved away from him. "So what does this mean? Are we friends or just acquaintances?"

He gave me a weird look and nodded. "I would like to be friends. Would you?"

I nodded. Having him as a friend was better than nothing at all. I lived with nothing at all and I didn't handle it all that well.

"Good." He smiled. I kind of smiled back. I hadn't had reason to smile in awhile, so it felt weird to smile. "Thanks for hearing me out today." He said.

"No problem. Thanks for coming over. I meant a lot to me." It really did.

He ran his hand through his hair and looked around.

"Oh hey, I heard from you dad that you might be moving. Is that true?" He asked.

"Not moving, just going on a trip for awhile."

"Where to?"

"Ireland. My mom is going and she invited me."

"Wow. That's amazing. For how long?" He asked. I bit my lip. How would this affect our friendship?

"A year." I spit out, not sure if he could hear me or not.

"A year?" He asked.

"Yes." I looked over at him and I swear he looked sad.

He didn't anything for a few seconds.

"So are you definitely going?" He asked. I felt like throwing up.

"Yeah. I leave in a week." I confessed, feeling really low.

"Oh." He pouted. "Well, um.. that's great. I hope you have fun!" He put on a fake smile.

"Thank you."

He shifted around. "Well I should get going to work." He said. "Espo is going to kill me." He laughed.

"Yeah, dad said things were chaotic there."

"Always." He smiled.

"So, friend, can I buy you coffee before you leave?" He asked, which took me surprise.

"Um.. yeah, that would be nice. Just call when you are free."

"Of course. I will call you later in the week." I smiled. I walked over to the door to let him out.

"I missed you." He said, causing me to turn around. "It was really great seeing you."

"Same here." I felt tears forming. He smiled and went to leave. Quickly, I jumped in front of him and hugged him. I needed to be close to him in that moment. He seemed startled, but hugged me back. "Thank you, for forgiving me." I was getting choked up.

"Well I didn't have much of a choice, now did I." He kissed the top of my head. I smiled and backed away. "Promise me something."

"What?"

"When I leave, eat something and get some sleep."

"I'll know if you don't. I have inside sources." He smiled.

"I will. I promise."

"Good. Talk to you later."

I smiled. When he walked out of the door, it felt like a wall had come down. Tears came and I couldn't stop them, nor did I want to. They had been stored up for quite some time. For the first time in months I felt relieved and I had a bit of hope. Something I thought was lost forever.


	11. Authors Note

I am planning on writing two more chapters. I am currently writing chapter 11. I want to get it just right. I will post it soon! Thanks for all the reviews! I love it! So please keep them coming!


	12. Chapter 11

Author note: Sorry it took awhile getting this up, it isn't long, but I kept rewriting to make sure it was right. Hope you all enjoy! Please leave reviews!

"Dad, where did you put my computer charger"" I asked, making my way into his den.

"Honey, I am really busy writing, so I can't talk right now." He idly typed on his laptop.

"Dad I am serious. Where did you put it this time?"

"Honey, I have no idea what you are talking about."

"No. You do know. You hid it three days ago, in the dishwasher. The day after that in the microwave and under the sofa cushion, yesterday. Where is it?"

He ignored me. I sighed. "Okay. That's fine. I will just go out and buy a new one." I stated before turning to walk out.

"Okay, Okay." He reached in his bottom desk drawer. He held it out.

"Thank you." I grabbed it. "You know, hiding my things, isn't going to keep me here." I hoped he got the message and walked out.

The past few days have been a nightmare, not only did I have to pack almost everything I had, but I also had to go search every time my dad hid something from me. I had to admit, the first time, it was very cute, but now it was just getting old. I had almost all my packing done. I was feeling a little nervous about leaving. I had never been gone from my dad for this long, but it was time for a change. While, cleaning out my closet looking for a pair of shoes, my cell rang. I sighed and walked over to get it.

"Hello?" I answered, nearly tripping over a pile of clothes. I caught myself on my bed.

"Hey." I smiled. It was him.

"Hi." I said, a little too happy. "How are you?"

"I'm doing pretty good. How about you?"

"Same old stuff. Plus packing."

"Oh." He seemed disappointed. "Well, do you think you could take a break and hangout for awhile?"

"Are you kidding, I would love a break."

He laughed. "Do you want to meet up somewhere?"

"Sure."

"Um..the park, in like 20 minutes. That okay?"

"Sure. No problem."

"Alright, I will see you then." I smiled.

"Yes you will." I hung up.

Getting out the house, was great. I hadn't done it for a while. I would leave, but just to run errands. Things changed since I started talking to Ryan, again. My life didn't go back the way it was. I was still transitioning. My mood, just got better. I started eating more and sleep more than a couple hours. Ryan would text me a couple times a day. I had missed him so much. Honestly, I wish I could be with him, but I didn't know if he was ready to even try that out again, plus I was leaving for a year, so that killed any chance we had. I walked around the corner and saw him sitting on a park bench. I smiled. Today was going to be a great day.

Ryan's POV.

I woke up to my phone ringing. I rolled over and checked the who it was. It was Javi.

"Hey Javi, why you calling so earlier?"

"Its almost noon, bro. You have a late night or what?"

"You know I did." Had slept much since I found out about Alexis.

"Its not good for you to hold it all in. You need to tell her everything." Javi, was always my main supporter of my relationship with Alexis. He actually, helped me deal with our split. He was truly a partner on and off the job.

"I know."

"Want to hang out today?"

I thought about what he said. Not holding my feelings back. I knew what I was feeling and what I wanted. I wanted Alexis. I had to tell her how I felt. I had to make her stay no matter what.

"Actually, I have some things I have to do. Maybe later, okay?"

"Alright, bro. Talk to you later." He hung up. Javi, never held back when I was being stupid and he almost always was right.

I laid back and tried to think about what I was going to do. What could I say to make her stay? Would she stay if I asked her to? I loved her. I wanted her in my life. A lot had happened between us and she did hurt me, but I had forgiven her. I knew who she was. She wasn't someone who would cheat, just to be malicious. I pushed her into making that decision. I couldn't hold a grudge forever. I loved her too much. The only question was, did she love me? Did I push her away from me? Bottom line was, I needed to tell her no matter how she felt. If it ended with her leaving, then that's a risk I need to take. Well now all I have to do is give her a call and hope for the best.

I was so glad when she agreed to meet me. I sat down on the park bench hoping the words would come to me by time I saw her. I was good at interrogating suspects, but not myself. I sighed. I looked across the street and saw her coming my way. I was nervous, but that was a good. I was good under pressure. God, she was beautiful. Okay, Ryan, pull yourself together, you can do this. Its now or never.

Alexis' POV.

I approached him, not sure on how to greet him. Was a hug too much? Was just saying hi, too casual? I hated this. I walked up and smiled. He stood up and smiled back. He moved forward and gave me a hug.

"Hey! Its good to see you!" I said, stepping back.

"Good to you too." He still had a breathtaking smile.

"So what did you want to do?" I asked.

He ran his hand through his hair, signifying that he was nervous or stressed. "Can we talk?" He asked, looking right at me.

"Yeah, sure. What about?"

"Let's sit down first, okay?"

I nodded and sat down next to him. He hadn't calmed down any. He kept opening his mouth, like he was about to talk, but then close a second later. It was being unbearable.

"Ryan? Its okay, go ahead."

He nodded and turned so he was facing me.

"I want to tell you something, but its difficult." He seemed serious. This intrigued me to no end.

"It's okay. Don't think about what you are trying to say, just say it. That always seems to do the trick. Take it from someone who thinks far too much." I half joked.

I was kind of hoping this, would be an attempt at stopping me from leaving. That was crazy though. We were friends nothing more.

"I.." He started. "I..don't.." I placed my hand on his, trying to give him encouragement. He looked at me, he looked terrified. "I love you. You know that. I love you and I don't care if you feel the same way, I just need that and also I don't want you to go. I want you to say here...with me." He struggled though it, but I knew he meant it. I stared at him in disbelief. Its was what I wanted to hear for so long, but sitting here and finally hearing it, I had no idea what to think or say.

He maintained eye contact, the entire time. I would be lying if I said, I didn't love him. I never stopped loving him. Even when I thought he cheated on me, I loved him. I would even be lying if I said, I didn't want to be with him and that I didn't want to stay. For some reason, though. I just couldn't say anything. He was looking at me, clearly waiting for me to react to what he had just said, but I couldn't. I just couldn't.

"Alexis?" He said, grabbing my shoulder. "Alexis, are you okay?"

I nodded. I wasn't right for him. I wanted to be right him. I just wasn't though. He deserved more than me. I was a mess, he didn't need this. He deserved someone who had their life in order. I could never be worthy of him. I believed that he love me, but that wasn't enough. I needed to figure my life out. Leaving with my mom was the right thing to do. I couldn't drag him down anymore.

"Please, say something." He begged.

I snapped back to reality. "I have to go. I'm sorry." I whispered, before getting up and running. I heard him yell my name and it took all my strength to keep running. It sounded like he was chasing after me. I l knew this was the right thing, but it hurt like hell. Why did the right thing, feel wrong? I didn't turn around, I just kept running.


	13. Chapter 13

Well here it is. The last chapter. The end of my first story. I am feeling kind of sad about that fact. I hope you all like this last chapter and enjoyed the whole story. Please review! I want to write another story, so if you have any interest in reading another story from me, please let me know and help me with ideas! Thank you!

A few hours after leaving Ryan in the park, I was in my room, curled up on my bed. I was staring at the wall, not thinking of anything in particular. My mind was blank. Maybe my brain needed a break from my constant over analyzing. From downstairs, I could hear talking. The talking suddenly turned into to screaming. I listened more carefully. It was dad and Beckett. I didn't get up. I just closed my eyes and tried to drown it out. I needed peace and quiet to help calm me down. I opened my eyes when I heard voices getting closer. Oh great. They were bringing their fighting to me. When I heard the knock, I didn't say anything. Maybe they would think I was asleep and just leave me alone. There were three knocks before I heard my door open. I laid there motionless.

"Alexis?" I expected to hear my father's voice, but instead it was a woman's voice. Beckett's voice. I didn't expect this. What did she want? "Alexis, can we talk?" She asked.

I sat up. No sense being rude to her. I turned and faced her. Her face expression, turned weird, as if she were surprised.

"What can I do for you?" I asked, a little annoyed.

She looked around as if, she wasn't sure if she wanted to stay or not.

"Can we talk about Ryan?" She asked, sounding at little hesitant.

I flinched. "Why?"

"I just saw Ryan and he is a wreck."

I had to admit, it hurt. "I figured he might be."

"Can we talk about it?" She asked, moving closer.

"Why would I want to talk to you about it?" I asked, confused. She looked offended. I don't know why.

"What do you mean?"

"You haven't exactly been my friend here lately. You don't talk to me or even notice when I am in the same room with you." I sighed. "You can't deny it."

"I know." She sighed and sat down next to me on the bed.

"So why would I want to talk about with you?"

"I just knew how much Ryan cared for you and when things ended with you guys, I had to see him everyday. He was torn apart. Nobody could do or say anything to make him feel better. He was like a different version of himself and it scared me." I looked away from her. "I have known Ryan for a very long time, he is one of the closest people in my life. He knows a lot about me and I know a lot about him and I hated the fact that I had to see him that way. I couldn't do anything to help him, so I did some thing else, which was to treat the person who hurt him, like garbage." She stood up and started pacing. I was going to say something, but she started again. "I'm sorry I have been so horrible to you. What happened between you and Ryan, had nothing to do with me. I should have butted out, but I am not so good at controlling myself, when someone I care about, is hurting." She sighed. "Anyway, I hope you can forgive me." She was about to leave. Damn it.

"Wait!" I called out. She stopped and turned around. I stood up. I couldn't make her feel bad, like I was. "I can forgive you."

"Really?" She seemed, surprised.

"Yeah. I understand now. I mean I knew you were mad about how things turned out between Ryan and I, but I never really fully understood until now."

"I saw how it affected you and I should have been there for you, not piling on."

"I kind deserved it. I did something that was truly awful."

"No. You are too hard on yourself." She gave a small laugh. "You're too much like your dad." She smiled.

"Yeah, I know. Sometimes its a blessing and other times its a curse." I gave small smile back.

I felt a little weird, being rude to her earlier.

"I want you to know that if you need to talk or anything. I am here and I will my best help." She smiled, again.

I smiled. It felt good to be able to talk to her again. "I was a complete bitch to Ryan today, after he was really, really sweet, to me." I sighed, sitting back down on my bed.

"What happened?"

"He told me that he loved me. That he wanted me to stay and be with him and I freaked and left him." I sighed and put my head down. It sounded worse out loud.

"You don't love him?" She asked.

"Yes, I love him more anything."

"Then what's the problem?" She sat down next to me. I tried to work up some courage. This wasn't going to be easy to say out loud. I took a few deep breathes.

"I'm no good for him. I hurt him pretty bad and I just don't want to ever do that again. He deserves someone more stable than I am. I feel like I would hold him back. I loved being with him, but I am just not good enough." I felt tears stinging my eyes.

"He said, he forgave you for all of that."

"Yes, he did." I nodded. "I just haven't forgiven myself."

Her face scrunched.

"What?" I asked.

"Ryan is a very transparent person. I can read him in a matter of second, its what makes him a good partner." I nodded, trying follow her point. "I knew when things had changed with him and Jenny. He tried to hide it, but it was obvious. He was like a child who was lost and then, I saw him with you. He smiled a lot more. He lit up whenever he would hear your name or talk about you. I knew he was falling for you."

"But I hurt him."

"Ryan has a reputation of being naïve, but we know that's not true. If he thought for a second you would cheat on him again, he wouldn't have tried to get you back. He loves you and when Ryan is in love, logic takes over, not like most people." She smiled to herself. "Bottom line. Do you love him?"

I nodded.

"Do you want to be with him again?"

I nodded.

"Do you want to spend an entire year away from him?"

I shook my head.

"I know what it is like to blame yourself and to push people you love away, it seems like the right thing, but what you are really doing is just digging a hole for yourself and if you don't forgive yourself, you will just be alone in that hole, unable to get out." She looked as if she was remembering something from her past.

"How did you get out of your hole?" I asked.

She smiled. "You're dad."

"My dad?"

"Yeah, he was there every step of the way, cheering my on." I smiled. "Alexis, you are smart, caring, and determined. You know what you should do."

She was right. I knew what to do. I needed to go see Ryan.

"I need to go." I stood, up wiping away tears.

"Where to?"

"Out of the hole." I smiled.

"Yes!" She cheered, jumping up. I laughed.

"Thank you, so much." I said, hugging her.

"Anytime, Alexis." She hugged me back.

Beckett was right if I loved him, I needed to forgive myself, so I could be with him. If I couldn't forgive myself, I would never have a chance with him again.

I took a few deep breathes before, I stepped out of the car. What would he think? I had to have let him down. Could he get over that? I got out and stated my way to his apartment. I wasn't about to let my fear stop my from trying. Determination ran high in our family. I knocked on the door and held my breathe. Seeing him and apologizing was going to be so hard, but I was willing to do anything for him. The door opened to reveal a surprised Ryan. His eyes looked red, which immediately, made me feel sick.

"Hey." I said, feeling a little intimidated.

"Hi." He seemed a little scared. "What are you doing here?"

"Can I come in?"

"Uh, yeah. Sure." He said, letting me in. I was a little shocked to see his place a little messy. There were clothes on the kitchen counter and dirty dishes in the sink. This wasn't him.

"Sorry about the mess, I've been a little busy, he said, picking up the living room. "Come sit down." He pointed to the couch.

I sat down and was still feeling nervous. I took a deep breath. He sat down. "So what are you doing here?"

I looked at him, remembering the advice I gave him earlier. I just needed to spit it out.

"I'm very sorry, about earlier in the park. I just got freaked out, but I shouldn't have left."

"Why were you scared?"

I sighed. "At the time, I thought I knew, but after getting some great advice from someone, I don't know why I was scared." I folded my hands and put them in my lap. "I was having trouble forgiving myself for hurting, but someone pointed out that if I really loved and wanted to be with you, that I had to forgive myself or else I would be just be sad and alone." I didn't look at him.

"Do you forgive yourself?" He asked, moving in closer to me.

"I love you and want to be with you. So, if you can forgive me, why would I be able to forgive myself."

"You love me?" He seemed surprised.

"Of course. I loved you for while. I thought you knew."

He laughed. "I guess I'm not that good of a detective."

I smiled.

"So.." He started. "Where does this leave us?"

"Where ever we want it to."

"Are you going to Ireland?" He stared at me.

"Well, Ireland sounds great." His face saddened. "I mean, it would be fun to go there, but it doesn't have you, so no. I think I'm going to stay right here." I smiled.

"Are you serious?" He lit up.

I nodded.

I didn't have time to laugh before his lips were on mine. I froze instantly, but it didn't take long for me to get more enthusiastic about it. I had missed him. The feeling his kisses gave me. I melted into the kiss and as far as I was concerned, it could last forever. After what seemed like a shot time, he broke the kiss.

"What?" I asked, out of breath.

He rubbed my cheekbone. "I love you." He smiled, which caused an even bigger one to cover my face.

"I love you, too." I kissed him, while wrapping my arms around his neck. I was holding on tight and never letting go.


End file.
